The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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