I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
