they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
