Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
