i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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