I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
