Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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