I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
