wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
