Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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