i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
