Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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