on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
