In the future we'll all be gay
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
