Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
