Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
