Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
