Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
