Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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