Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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