just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
