i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
