my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My ass is underappreciated
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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