I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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