nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I can text with my tongue
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
