My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
