mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
