Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
