i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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