if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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