I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
