Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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