I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
