her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
