Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
