My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
