I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
