After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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