How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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