I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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