Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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