Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
