I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
