you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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