Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
