I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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