I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
and she was petting her beer can
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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