new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
