I'm really into asian looking animals
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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