I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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